Answers to Difficult Questions


Many times people are faced with very difficult questions, and Bethany clients are no exception. Below are examples of the questions that we see and hear over and over again. Hopefully you will find our answers helpful in dealing with hurtful or unexpected questions.

Questions or Statements Made to Adoptees

Did your real parents give you up because they didn't want you?
"My birthparents made a loving choice to make an adoption plan for me because at that time, they were not able to be parents. They wanted me to be safe from harm and give me the best life possible. Actually, I'm quite lucky. I have a birthfamily that loves me so much they decided to give me a great life, and I have an adoptive family that loves me so much, too."

Do you know who your real parents are?
"My 'real parents' are the parents who adopted me and raised me. They were there for me when I was sick, when I learned to ride my bike, and when I struggled with math in school. They are my mom and dad. I think what you really mean to ask is do I know who my birthparents are. No, I do not know who my birthparents are, but if I ever decided to find out more about them, the agency that helped plan my adoption will be happy to help me. This is a very personal decision for me."

or if you do have a relationship with your birthparents... "Yes, I do know who my birthmother and birthfather are, and they are wonderful people. They gave me the opportunity to have a stable life and a two-parent family and I am very thankful for that."

Why don't you look like your parents?
"I have a lot of the physical traits of my birthparents, but the parents you are referring to are my adoptive parents. It doesn't matter to me that I don't look like my adoptive parents. Besides, I have talents from my birthparents that I have brought into my adoptive family, and that is much more important than the way I look."




Questions or Statements Made to Adoptive Parents

Why adopt internationally? There are child here in our own country that need homes.
"There are thousands of children all over the world that need good homes. I decided to adopt internationally because domestic adoption did not fit my needs, and I had a particular connection to another culture."

Older children have a lot of baggage.
"Older children who have been in the foster care system have typically been victims of neglect or abuse. Many have experienced life situations and losses that have affected their emotional well-being. However, children tend to be resilient and often adjust very well after being placed in a stable, nurturing family environment."

"Children who have experienced more trauma are likely to need professional counseling services. We have family members participate in family counseling with our child and find this to be a helpful support. Although progress is sometimes slow, my child is making great gains and parenting them is rewarding in special ways. Bethany also helped us assess our skills and characteristics to determine if we will be able to meet our child's needs and if the child would fit appropriately into our family."

Aren't you afraid the birthparents will take your baby away?
"Legally, once the birthparents surrender their parental rights and an order is entered terminating those rights, they cannot 'come back' and reclaim their child. It is just as important to realize that birthparents make an adoption plan and face the loss connected with it because they want what is best for their child. They don't want to disrupt the child's life once they are placed with a family. The desire to do what is best for their child doesn't end. And, contrary to some people's fears, open adoption does not increase the chance that a birthparent would want to reclaim their child. In an open adoption, birthparents have the ability to see for themselves how their child is growing and thriving and know that they made a good plan that is in the best interest of their child."

Open adoption? When the child gets older, it will just cause confusion. Won't you feel like you're not the real parents, or you are co-parenting?
"Every parent must believe that they are entitled to be a parent to their child, regardless of whether it is a biological or adopted child. And, every adoptive parent must accept the reality that there is another set of biological parents for their child. That reality does not change our relationship with our adopted child. We are the parents who are there every day, whom the child knows as mom and dad. As far as a child being confused, children are probably more confused by not knowing parts of their history. Children are remarkably able to understand, for example, the complex relationships of blended families. A child growing up with a custodial step-parent knows that they have another biological parent and they aren't confused about who is who. Why do we think that children would be confused about a biological and adoptive parent? Children understand who is parenting them, who loves them and who is there with them every day. They also can understand that they have another biological parent who loves them and is not in competition with their parents."

Why would you want to adopt if you can have kids of your own?
"We are motivated to adopt because we believe we have parenting skills and other gifts that can make a dramatic difference for a child in need of a family. We have a strong belief that children should grow up in permanent, loving families, and feel a moral commitment to help with the problem of orphaned children in a personal way. Adoption will provide all of our family members with an experience of growth and understanding as new relationships grow."

You're infertile? Then just adopt.

How much did they cost?
"They didn't cost anything. Like any child, they are a gift from God. There were fees for services to the agency, just like their are fees to doctors and hospitals with a biological child, but they were not bought."

Adopting a child of another race would be too hard on the child. He/She will feel alienated and confused when growing up.
"We have a very successful and rewarding transracial adoption experience. We truly value diversity. In addition to the adjustments our child and other family members made in joining together as a new family, there have been challenges involved for all regarding learning about and adjusting to cultural differences. Before we adopted, we made sure that we were educated about our child's ethnic background, and made sure our prospective adopted child did not have strong feelings about living with us because we were a different race. We also felt it was important that the child's race and cultural background was honored within our family. We also have many friends of different ethnicities, and this helps our child to be aware of many different cultural issues so he/she does not feel alienated."

What if the birthparents didn't tell you everything and your child has health problems later on?
"With adoption, this child becomes your child, just as if he or she had been born to you. If there are health problems later on, we will deal with them just as we would any health problems that a biological child would develop. The agency always works to gather all of the available medical history and information and, if other information becomes available later, will always forward it on. But, there is a risk that any child can develop health problems, whether biological or adopted, and parents deal with them in the same way.

You can't have a bond with an adopted child like you do you biological child.
"Actually, the experience of adopting a child is certainly different than giving birth to a child, but we have strong bonds with both our adoptive and biological children. The special situations, adjustments, and emotional investments we have put into our adopted child has helped strengthen the bond between us. Adoption is a lifelong process, and we know there will be peaks and valleys; however, many family and friends have incredible and endless stories of the joy that adoptive relationships have added to their lives!"




Questions or Statements Made to Birthparents

I can’t imagine “giving up” my baby.
"By making an adoption plan, I am saying that I love my baby enough to do what I think is best for him/her. It is about planning and what is best for the child. While it is very difficult and is a tremendous loss for me, I view it as giving my child a better life than I can give him/her right now. It is about what is best for their child, it is not about me. And, with open adoption, the ability to see my child, to know he/she is doing well, is very reassuring."

Birthmothers need to take responsibility for their actions and raise their child themselves. Adoption is the easy way out.
"There is nothing easy about making an adoption plan, just like there are no easy solutions to an unplanned, untimely pregnancy. Adoption is the way for me, when I am not ready to parent, to be responsible and plan for the future. Instead of being the easy way out, adoption planning puts the needs of my child first - something that every good parent does."

What happens if you get married someday and you’ve given up your child for adoption?
"Many moms who have made adoption plans go on to marry later and have other children. Having made an adoption plan doesn't mean that they are never able to parent but just that they were not able to parent at the time the child needed a parent. And, getting married and having other children does not erase the fact that there is birthchild who is being raised in an adoptive home."

What if someday you regret "giving up" your baby?
"A large part of the pregnancy counseling process is to prepare me and let me explore all of my options so I can make a fully informed decision about what is best for my child. I need to make the decision so that I can 'own' it later, at different stages in my life. And it is important for me to keep in perspective why I made that decision at that point in my life. All of this prepares me to minimize the chance of regrets.

No one is going to want your child because he/she is older.
"Every child is adoptable, from every race, to every age. Many families want to adopt an older child so that their children are close in age so they can play together. Some parents are older and would like to have older children."

Your child will grow up thinking that you didn't want him/her.
"I made the decision to make an adoption plan out of love. I can write letters to my child and explain why I made this decision. I can also meet the adoptive parents so they can understand why I made the decision. And, with openness in adoption and some level of ongoing contact, I can assure my child of my love through my actions as well as words, and be available to answer questions that might arise when he/she gets older.



Remember:

  • You don't have to share anything with anyone if you don't want to. You can simply say "That is a personal issue that I don't want to talk about."
  • Your answer will most likely depend on your mood. Just remember that most people need to be educated on the topic of adoption. Do your best to get rid of the stereotypes!