Helping Yourself
WHAT YOU CAN DO TO HELP YOURSELF
First, allow yourself to grieve and know that everyone grieves differently. Grieving is acutely necessary for healing. You may feel sad and want to cry, or you may feel as though your tears are endless. You may want to cry and tears will not come. You may feel empty—like there is a hole in your heart. You may be angry—at the birthparents, your adoption worker, at yourself or your spouse, or even at God. You may feel like this is not really happening, or think, If only I had...
There are a variety of feelings associated with grieving, and you may experience some of them, many of them, or all of them at different times and in differing intensity. You may jump from one stage to another and back. You and your spouse may experience your grief very differently, but regardless of how you express your loss, you both need to walk through this valley. Your grief is normal.
Give yourself permission to have and to express your feelings. Don't feel that you need to control your feelings or put a lid on them—just allow yourself to feel them. Expect that you will experience anger, sadness, guilt, denial, and rationalization. Anger can be a frightening or upsetting feeling for grieving families, but it is a natural emotion when you experience a loss.
Talk. Talk about what you are feeling. Share your thoughts and memories. Find someone whom you trust—a person who will just listen—and talk about your feelings. It is your agenda. Talk if and when you are ready and about the things that you want to express.
Don't blame yourself for the pain you are feeling. It may be tempting to blame yourself for planning an adoption or for trusting someone else with a desire that is so strong. Don't blame yourself for not being prepared—for not guarding your heart more or protecting yourself or your family emotionally. You made a decision to enter into an adoption plan, so you need to "own" that choice. The pain that you feel is not because you made a bad decision, but because it did not work out as you had planned.
Take the time to take care of yourself. Accept help offered by your family, your friends, your pastor, or your church community. You don't have to do everything, and you don't have to do it alone.
Allow the people who care about you to support you. Don't hesitate to lean on a person you trust when you are tired. God does not promise us lives free of pain, but He sends caring people to help us on difficult days.
Avoid rushing into a decision. Don't decide that adoption is—or isn't—right for you. Your emotions are running high now, and it makes sense to postpone major decisions. That may even mean closing the door rather than throwing away everything connected with the baby.
Keep mementos. Perhaps you could create a special box where you can tuck away reminders of the baby for whom you hoped and prayed. This baby, like any other child, is now a part of your life story. Tuck those memories away so that, if and when you are ready, they are there for you. There are many experiences that weave the tapestry of our lives, and this is one of them. You don't need to deny your experience or try to pretend it didn't happen.