Michael's Story

I was a twenty-two-year-old student attending a university when the girl I had dated and broken up with called and announced that she was pregnant. My former girlfriend was reluctant to call me–in fact, it was this girl’s mother who insisted that she call to let me know about our child.

I did not want to become involved with the birthmother again, so when she said that she wanted to find an adoptive family for our child, I had some serious thinking to do.

First, I considered single parenting. I asked myself, Would I be finishing college? Who would take care of the baby when I was in school? I felt I could have given my child love, but I knew I couldn’t provide financial support. After weighing the pros and cons about single parenting, I concluded that the cons outweighed the pros. I agreed to the adoption. In my eyes, there was no other choice.

An adoptive family could give our child what I could not at that point in my life. The most unselfish thing I could do was to give my baby a two-parent Christian home. That is what I would wish for every child.

The Plan
In those days, adoptions were different. Our adoption plan was what they refer to now as a semi-open adoption. We looked at a profile (without photographs), and we never even met the family, though birthparents often do today. Looking back, I probably should have been more involved in selecting the adoptive family, but I trusted the birthmother to make the right decision. And she did.

Our son is being raised by a stable Christian, two-parent family. Since they adopted our child, they have adopted again. The agreement at the time of the adoption was that the birthparents and adoptive family would exchange photos and cards for one year, with Bethany as the intermediary. I continued to write to the family beyond that first year, and for seven more years the family and I kept in touch (through Bethany).

The holidays have a special place in my heart because my son was born a few days before Christmas. Even now, each December I buy a birthday card for him and a Christmas card for his family and deliver them to the Bethany office near me, and Bethany forwards them to the adoptive family. After reading my letters, I think my son
will know that the decision was made 100% out of true love and nothing else.

I am grateful that the adoptive family sent the photos all of those years, and I am not disappointed that they have stopped doing so. I understand . . . they have to get on with their life.

Moving On
After I graduated from college, I bought a house and started dating a woman I had known in junior high and high school. She had been through a difficult divorce and was caring for her two little boys. We became reacquainted as members of a community choir.

Eventually we married and I became an adoptive parent. The boys’ birthfather signed away his parental rights and I legally adopted my wife’s sons. I love these boys as my own and since our wedding, my wife and I have had another boy! I’m the dad of My Three Sons! And the irony is that of my three sons, two are adopted.

Healing
Ironically, after the adoption of my son, I signed up to do a graduate independent study on campus as a peer educator. I think I was trying to admit to myself and to society that I had made a mistake, and I wanted to try to educate college freshmen about what behaviors to avoid. One important aspect of the peer education program was abstinence education, which I strongly promoted.

Abstinence is the answer, especially in this day and age. Teenagers and kids need to understand that pregnancy is just one of many possible results of sexual behavior. There are diseases out there that will kill kids. Some active kids aren’t old enough to drive a car, but they’re having sex! With the craziness that goes on in this world, it is vital to have a Christian upbringing. And it should be the job of parents, not educators, to teach their kids about proper, healthy sexual relations as well as the morals and values of everyday life.

My experience with adoption has been like dealing with a death in the family . . . it always hurts and you never everforget . . . but over time the pain subsides. Now when I think about it, it puts a smile on my face because I actually spent time with my son after he was born. In the hospital I got to feed him and I requested to visit him in foster care. My sister and I went to see him and spent more than an hour with him.

My social worker held me together and was very supportive during and after the adoption. For a while, I was the only male in Bethany’s birthparent support group, but I stayed to help the other members benefit from my experience. Support groups help to put everything in perspective. You learn that you’re not the only person who has gone through this heartache.

My faith brings comfort to me. You have to have your faith, otherwise you’re an empty shell and you have nowhere to turn. You can turn to your friends and your relatives and your spouse, but when push comes to shove, there is still that empty void. Faith is what fills it.

Wisdom from Experience
For Birthfathers and Birthmothers: My advice is to communicate with each other and stay involved during the adoption process. You cannot turn your back and you cannot run. Life is not over because of an unplanned pregnancy. No one can make the decision for you, but you must be prepared to live with the consequences. Whether you parent your child or choose adoption, you need to love, respect, and forgive yourself so you can prevail during the tough times in your life. If you are not happy with yourself, your misery will spill over into the lives around you. Before you can love others, you need to love and accept yourself.

Birthfathers can hide their situation, but a birthmother has a social stigma attached to her pregnancy in a way that a birthfather doesn’t. These days, most people assume that a pregnant teen will keep her child. It takes high self-esteem and an unselfish heart to make an adoption plan.

For birthgrandparents: Please don’t turn your back on your son or daughter. You may have wanted a grandchild through the bliss of marriage, but it didn’t turn out that way this time. Please be supportive of your children and help them to make decisions rather than tell them what to do. Your child needs your love, not your scorn.
“Judge not thy friend until thou stand in his place.” –Rabbi Hillel

No Regrets
You either dwell on your past or you move on with your life. There are times when I think of my firstborn son and wish he were here with me. I also wish that my grandparents were still alive, but that’s not reality. I’ve changed as a result of my adoption experiences. I’m more tolerant of others and yet I am more demanding of myself. In retrospect, I have no regrets. I’m not as quick to jump into making a decision. I think twice about how my choices will affect others and me. The birth of my son and his adoption have made me who I am today.

Two of the mottos I’ve tried to live by:

“We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope.”
Martin Luther King, Jr.

“There can be no happiness if the things we believe are different from the things we do.”
Author unknown

If you are pregnant and would like assistance, please call 1-800-BETHANY