Jacob Family Story

The Jacob Family's Story


In the beginning of 2005, when the Lord called us to adopt for a second time, we had three daughters and that “comfortable feeling.” Eliza, our oldest biological daughter, was 10. Madeline, also biological, was 8 and Katelin, our youngest who had been adopted from China as an infant, was nearly 4. Steve’s job was going well and I was enjoying the fact that I no longer had to haul a diaper bag and change of clothing everywhere. When people are in this stage of their lives, it feels easier to try and resist change. But we recognized the need to obey God’s call and adopt again if that is what He wanted for us, because we trust that He knows best.

We knew that God already had a child in mind for us, and with children all over the world that need homes, we didn’t want to assume our next child was in China. We prayed for wisdom in where to go. We prayed for wisdom in what age range to request in our dossier. We prayed for wisdom on when to start the process again. We prayed for wisdom about the gender of our next child. We simply prayed, and waited on God.

After saying “yes” in October 2005 to a 13 year old girl in China who tugged at the heartstrings of our family, and having God say “no,” we finally felt that we had some answers. We sent our dossier to China in March 2006, requesting a healthy, older (2 ½ - 4 ½ year old) girl. But we also felt we needed to be open to children with special needs. During our wait, we requested two toddler boys from Children of Promise lists. We said “Yes!” to a toddler boy and an infant available domestically. All of these requests were met with a “no” from God.

Then, in June 2007, we received another COP list. This one had an 8 year old boy who touched us. But he did not fit any of the criteria we requested in our dossier. Still, we felt led to pursue more information. His need was simply listed as a limp and his paperwork attributed it to a skin condition. Our pediatrician was more concerned about the skin condition, which could be debilitating, but the other information was confusing. So, we decided to see if China would provide some clarity. We did not feel comfortable with the information we had and were told not to expect China to answer the questions. Left with this, we felt we could not request this little boy.

Imagine our surprise when we did receive answers less than one week later! Furthermore, our biggest concern was no concern. We couldn’t have asked for a more clear answer. God had told us to place this decision at His sovereign feet and request little Guo Rong. Our girls were thrilled. They had wanted him as a brother from the moment the list came out. We could not be more thankful for the heart of compassion our girls have. On July 10, 2007 we were informed that we had a son and a brother coming to join our family. All praise to God!

We knew that adding an older boy out of birth order is discouraged by most adoption professionals. We also knew that God wanted us to bring him home. We chose to obey our loving God, who wants to place the lonely in families (Psalm 68:5-6). This verse does not exclude older boys. This verse does not say that the families He will place them in must only have older children, if any. God is in control, and God’s wisdom and compassion surpasses that of human beings. We trusted Him to be with us, even if our decision to obey brought difficulties, struggles, pain or suffering. We knew that this little boy deserved our efforts to bring him into our family. He is a precious child of God who is worth the time, money and trials it may take to do that.
He has been a gift and a blessing from the moment we received him at the Civil Affairs office in Shenyang. It was not hard to see from the beginning that this child simply wanted to be a part of that magical unit called a “family.” He held both of our hands whenever we went anywhere (which is not easy on the crowded sidewalks of China). He looked at the pictures of his sisters constantly. And when his orphan-mate, who was adopted at the same time, teased him that his mama and baba were going to leave him in China, he fell over sobbing. It was clear he desperately wanted what we were offering him – a home, a family and unconditional love.

Life with Zach has been a fascinating journey. His transition has been miraculously smooth. We have had him home for 7 months now, and know we still have a long road of adjustment ahead of us. But we are thankful for how it has gone so far. He is a smart, compassionate, loving boy. He wants to please and he wants to do the right thing. He wants to learn. Most of all he just wants to love and be loved. With him this is so easy to do!

The communication barrier is admittedly a challenge, since he spoke no English and we speak no Chinese. We have managed and, through our experience, have learned that so much can be communicated through gestures, expressions and pantomime. While this aspect of adopting an older child seems like it would be nearly impossible to manage, scaring people away from this type of adoption, I can say without any reservations that it was not nearly as difficult as I expected it would be. It is true that our family would win a game of charades easily, but Zach has learned English quickly and can now understand most of what we say.

The most difficult aspect of the lack of communication was discipline. It is hard to punish a child who does not understand what he did wrong, or what the consequences are. This was managed slowly and, yes, sometimes painfully. We explained things along the way as best we could. As is typical of a newly adopted child, Zach tested his boundaries. And he tested. And he tested. He had to learn that his boundaries were not going to change from day to day, from week to week, or month to month. His surroundings are no longer temporary, they are permanent. He needed to learn that the rules are just as permanent.

  • He also needed to learn that if he flushes a partially eaten apple down the toilet, the toilet doesn’t work.
  • He needed to learn that if he brushes the beta fish with his sister’s hairbrush, the fish will die and his sisters will be mortified that he could be so cruel.
  • He needed to learn that he could not get away with “accidentally forgetting” to bring home his homework. And he needed to learn this again, a second time two months later. He also needed to learn that the outcome didn’t change the second time around, teaching him that if he does it a third time, the outcome will probably not change then either. And since he didn’t like the consequences of the first two times, he will hopefully make better choices in the future.
  • He needed to learn that if he throws his slipper over the railing of the deck into the snow, another one doesn’t magically appear, even though he has more clothing than he could imagine simply “showing up” on a regular basis.
  • He needed to learn that his dad’s expensive running shoes need to be kept in the house, rather than worn outside and forgotten in a snow bank, only to be discovered during the spring thaw.
  • He needed to learn that his sisters are not his competition.
  • He needed to learn how to be a brother and a son. This is not intuitive.
  • He needed to learn not to laugh at his friends when they hurt themselves, acting as though he is stronger/better/smarter than they. He is not subject to “survival of the fittest” anymore.
  • He needed to learn that if he does laugh at his friends when they are hurt, they will not want to play with him.
  • He needed to learn how to say “I’m sorry.”
  • He needed to learn that he does not have to make fun of himself by exaggerating his limp to prove to others that they can’t hurt him when they do.
  • He needed to learn to ask to use things that don’t belong to him, especially since he does not like anyone using his things.
  • He needed to learn how to take care of the things that do belong to him.
  • He needed to learn that he has responsibilities, just like his sisters do.
  • He needed to learn that the rules apply to him as much as they apply to his sisters.
  • He needed to learn that he can be loved unconditionally. This is crucial to the well being of any child and too many children live without having this need met.

This is just a small sampling of the things that Zach, as an older adopted child, needed to learn. My list will look different than the list of someone else, because every child is different, and every situation from which they come is different. Therefore, every adoption is different. It is not in the best interests of the children waiting for families to stereotype the different categories of adoption. Too often, older children, especially older boys, are automatically passed by because people assume they will be nothing but trouble. This thought process is leaving too many precious children without families. God can’t place them in families if the families into which He wants to place them are too afraid to say “Yes!” to His call on their lives.

Zach is not an example of what everyone can expect when they step out of their comfort zone to adopt an older child. But he is a perfect example of the fact that these children are worth the effort. Even if our choice to follow God into this adoption is met with many difficulties and hardships in the future, I can honestly say that it will be worth it because he is worth it. And so is every child out there waiting for a forever family to call their own. What is God asking you to do?