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John and Sylvia Van Regenmorter
Of all the dimensions of the infertility struggle, perhaps none is so disturbing as the feeling of being alone. At times, it seems as if no one understands, no one cares, and no one knows the pain. Even one's own spouse may not always understand.
In the days of the Old Testament, Hannah certainly felt this sense of human isolation. She was infertile and she was alone (I Samuel 1:1-20). She received no understanding from Peninnah, her husband's other wife. Peninnah kept belittling Hannah for her failure to conceive. She also received little real understanding from her husband, Elkanah, whose reaction to Hannah's grief was to suggest that what she was experiencing was not that bad: "Why are you weeping? ...don't I mean more to you than ten sons?" (I Samuel 1:8)
His heart was probably in the right place, but Elkanah simply did not realize the depth of her pain. The clergy of that day also failed to properly understand Hannah's situation. Misinterpreting her anguished cries to the Lord, Eli, the priest, accused her of being drunk.
From an earthly viewpoint, Hannah had to bear her infertility alone. Her human support systems failed her miserably. She was surrounded by a rival who belittled her, a husband who patronized her, and a priest who totally misunderstood her.
But Hannah was not alone. She poured out her soul to the Lord. She prayed to the One who always understands, the One who is always sensitive to our needs, the One who never belittles or patronizes us. Hannah prayed to God.
Hannah's prayer to God was not some neat, formulaic prayer. Her words did not flow from her mouth with the ease of melted butter. Her prayer did not contain the well-polished phrases and pious cliches that plague so many of our prayers. Hannah's plea was from her heart and soul. The infertile Christian couple can learn a lot from Hannah's prayer. As a pastor once put it:
Prayer is first of all the honest opening up of our heart to God. We need not worry whether this is okay or not. Isn't it true that God knows us inside and out? He sees us as we are and as we feel. Nothing is hidden from his sight. Why not openly talk to God about everything that fills our heart? Our hearts are enormous reservoirs of joys and disappointments, of unanswered questions and unfulfilled wishes, of hopes and despair. Our certainties are often plagued by doubts, our joys dampened by anxiety. God knows! To pray is to be candid before God's face, not to tell God what to do, but to open one's heart to him in self-disclosure. (M. DeVries, The Banner, Jan. 18, 1983, p. 23).
Hannah was certainly not alone in making her infertility a matter of prayer. Abraham more than once made his continuing childless condition a matter for prayer with God (Genesis 15:1-4; 17:18). When the angel came to declare to Zechariah the good news that he and Elizabeth would have a child, the angel said, "Do not be afraid, Zechariah; your prayer has been heard. Your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son"(Luke 1:13). We are told that "Isaac prayed to the Lord on behalf of his wife [Rebekah], because she was barren" (Genesis 25:21).
This strongly suggests that infertile Christian couples should make their infertility a matter of continuing, honest, heartfelt prayer to God. The evidence is bountiful that God hears such prayers and in mercy has granted the requests for children that His sons and daughters have made. "The prayer of a righteous man [or woman] is powerful and effective" (James 5:16).
At Stepping Stones, we regularly receive letters like the following:
"We were resigned to the fact that we were not going to have children and gave up pursuing any further infertility treatment. This past spring we became pregnant and gave birth to our beautiful daughter, Hannah. She is truly a gift from God!"
But please remember that God does not answer every prayer with a "Yes." Sometimes God's answer to an earnest prayer is "Yes;" sometimes it is "Wait" (see To Be a Mom, p. 2); and sometimes it is "No."
While it is true that every infertile person in the Bible who prayed was eventually blessed with a baby, the Bible is clear that God, for reasons known only to His divine wisdom, sometimes gives a "No" response to His beloved children.
The Apostle Paul himself experienced God's answer to his prayer. As Paul struggled with his famous "thorn in the flesh," he wrote, "Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me." The answer, which Paul received to these requests, made him realize that God was clearly saying, "No!" But with God, a "No" answer to our sincere requests never is intended as negative, spiteful, or destructive to our Christian life and relationship with Him. Rather, God ultimately has a positive purpose in everything He does - or doesn't do - for His children. Paul understood this and he declared:
"But he [the Lord] said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness.' Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me...For when I am weak, then I am strong" (II Corinthians 12:9-10).
But please be ready for surprises! God's answer to our prayers may not be what we expect or currently hope for. God does things in His own way and according to His own timetable, not ours. Be prepared for unexpected joy from unexpected directions and in unexpected ways!
As we are writing this article, we are rejoicing with Jack and Carol who have just finalized the adoption of two children. Both Jack and Carol always insisted that they would never adopt! A few months ago, they were approached by an elderly woman in their neighborhood with an unusual request. She said, "We are the grandparents of a beautiful little boy and girl for whom we have full custody. We are too old to raise children, would you be interested?"
Very hesitant at first, Jack and Carol at least agreed to meet the children. Within 20 minutes of meeting these children, Jack was down on the floor playing with the little boy, and Carol had the little girl on her lap. That was it! Instantly, they knew their prayers were being answered in a way they never expected.
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