China Blog :: Monday, May 4, 2009: Mother's Day!

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This year, Mother's Day is Sunday, May 10th... HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL MOTHER'S AND ALL MOTHER'S-TO-BE!
A picture named M2

..... although not officially on the calendar as a holiday, did you know the Saturday before Mother's Day is celebrated among the adoption community as "Birth-Mother's Day?"

A "BirthMother/First Mother" is the name given to a woman who conceives and biologically gives birth to a child who is relinquished or placed for adoption.

The adoption constellation involves many people (extended family, support, etc), but the triad consists of three points. The three-points of the triad are: the child, the Adoptive Mother (or Adoptive Family) and the BirthMother (or BirthFamily), in no particular order. Without one of these "points" the triad would not exist. The relationship among the three sides is inter-related and inter-dependent. All three sides of the triangle are of equal length. All three should be celebrated equally! Many Christians believe that as we are all God's adopted children, this adoption triad metaphor reflects the Trinity of our Father.

What are some ways that we as adoptive families can honor our child's BirthMother? Internationally adopted children with little to no information about their BirthFamily oftentimes "fantasize" about where they come from and who their BirthFamily is. In adoptive families that openly discuss the child's birth-country, BirthParents, and birth-culture, the children as adults report having a more positive self-esteem and self-worth. Some parents encourage their children to write a letter to their BirthMom/BirthDad on these special days or even their own birthdays. What is most important to remember is that each child has their own feelings about their BirthParents. As Adoptive Parents, the best we can do is provide a safe and open place for discussion.

Different ways to "honor" or "celebrate" birthparents:
-Light a candle on special days.
-Say a prayer for them.
-Make a special page in the child's Lifebook to celebrate the BirthParent(s).
-Write a letter to your child's BirthParent(s) and put it aside to share with your child later.
-Write a letter/make a card jointly with your child for the BirthParent(s).
-Read age appropriate books together.
-Talk about what the BirthParents may look like.
-Celebrate unique talents that the child may have... and attribute them to the BirthParent(s).

Some adoptive families may not be comfortable talking about the child's BirthFamily or adoption. Your child will perceive this level of being uncomfortable and may learn to be ashamed or fearful of the discussion. In order to build a healthy relationship that is based on trust, it is important to be open with your child about their adoption. If these discussions are open and supported from the beginning, your child will grow to learn that their adoption is celebrated, not hidden. Your child will be proud to be adopted and will be able to honor their BirthParent's with Thanksgiving!

The book I Wish for You a Beautiful Life (Yeong & Yeong Book Company; ISBN 0-9638472-3-6) is a compilation of letters from Korean BirthMother's to their relinquished children. Each letter is very unique and provides a glimpse of the different cultures and emotions that this choice has created, related to separation and detachment that a BirthMother may experience and/or express in writing.

As a Mother (whether through birth or adoption) of a child... whether your child is with you, with God, living in China or yet to be born... Bethany Christian Services and the China Team wish you a warm and loving "Happy Mother's Day." We also keep in prayer the BirthMother's that give Life to these precious children and love them enough to want for them, what they cannot provide. These women too, should be celebrated, honored, and given Thanksgiving. Their struggles and choices are immeasurable and we may never know them, but we do know them in our hearts. We pray that they are safe, loved and at Peace.

*In this Blog Post, we use the term "BirthMother" to refer to the woman who conceived and birthed the child whom was then adopted. There are other terms such as: "First Mother" or "Biological Mother" or "Genetic Mother" to name a few. The PC world of language and adoption is sensitive and we mean no offense to any particular term mentioned or not mentioned.