This year,
Mother's Day is Sunday, May 10th... HAPPY
MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL MOTHERS AND ALL MOTHERS-TO-BE!
..... although not officially on the calendar as a holiday, did you know
the Saturday before Mother's Day is celebrated among the adoption community
as "Birth-Mother's Day?"
A "BirthMother/First Mother" is the name given to a woman who
conceives and biologically gives birth to a child who is relinquished or
placed for adoption.
The adoption constellation involves many people (extended family, support,
etc), but the triad consists of three points. The three-points of
the triad are: the child, the Adoptive Mother (or Adoptive Family) and
the BirthMother (or BirthFamily), in no particular order. Without
one of these "points" the triad would not exist. The relationship
among the three sides is inter-related and inter-dependent. All three
sides of the triangle are of equal length. All three should be celebrated
equally! Many Christians believe that as we are all God's adopted
children, this adoption triad metaphor reflects the Trinity of our Father.
What are some ways that we as adoptive families can honor our child's BirthMother?
Internationally adopted children with little to no information about
their BirthFamily oftentimes "fantasize" about where they come
from and who their BirthFamily is. In adoptive families that openly
discuss the child's birth-country, BirthParents, and birth-culture, the
children as adults report having a more positive self-esteem and self-worth.
Some parents encourage their children to write a letter to their
BirthMom/BirthDad on these special days or even their own birthdays. What
is most important to remember is that each child has their own feelings
about their BirthParents. As Adoptive Parents, the best we can do
is provide a safe and open place for discussion.
Different ways to "honor" or "celebrate" birthparents:
-Light a candle on special days.
-Say a prayer for them.
-Make a special page in the child's Lifebook to celebrate the BirthParent(s).
-Write a letter to your child's BirthParent(s) and put it aside to share
with your child later.
-Write a letter/make a card jointly with your child for the BirthParent(s).
-Read age appropriate books together.
-Talk about what the BirthParents may look like.
-Celebrate unique talents that the child may have... and attribute them
to the BirthParent(s).
Some adoptive families may not be comfortable talking about the child's
BirthFamily or adoption. Your child will perceive this level of being
uncomfortable and may learn to be ashamed or fearful of the discussion.
In order to build a healthy relationship that is based on trust,
it is important to be open with your child about their adoption. If
these discussions are open and supported from the beginning, your child
will grow to learn that their adoption is celebrated, not hidden. Your
child will be proud to be adopted and will be able to honor their BirthParents
with Thanksgiving!
The book I Wish for You a Beautiful Life (Yeong & Yeong Book
Company; ISBN 0-9638472-3-6) is a compilation of letters from Korean BirthMothers
to their relinquished children. Each letter is very unique and provides
a glimpse of the different cultures and emotions that this choice has created,
related to separation and detachment that a BirthMother may experience
and/or express in writing.
As a Mother (whether through birth or adoption) of a child... whether your
child is with you, with God, living in Haiti, or yet to be born ... Bethany
Christian Services and the Haiti Team wish you a warm and loving "Happy
Mother's Day." We
also keep in prayer the BirthMothers that give Life to these precious children
and love them enough to want for them what they cannot provide. These
women too, should be celebrated, honored, and given Thanksgiving. Their
struggles and choices are immeasurable and we may never know them, but
we do know them in our hearts. We pray that they are safe, loved
and at Peace.
*In this Blog Post, we use the term "BirthMother" to refer to
the woman who conceived and birthed the child whom was then adopted. There
are other terms such as: "First Mother" or "Biological Mother"
or "Genetic Mother" to name a few. The PC world of language
and adoption is sensitive and we mean no offense to any particular term
mentioned or not mentioned. |
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